When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
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Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Just me and my debit card against the world
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.