Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
You Might Also Like
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT