My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
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Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Mood.. 😂
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.