ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
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Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”