Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
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You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
the three branches of government
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.