My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
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Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
“I FIXED IT!”
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Me checking my bank balance online.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
i’m sure it’s fine
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?