I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
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Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
this FaceApp is creepy af
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.