♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
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WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.