[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
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one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Muppet Screams
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!