how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
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3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
How to properly lift a body
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!