“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
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Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
nature’s most graceful animal
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
I’m going to need a moment here.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
I see your IQ test came back negative
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday