My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
You Might Also Like
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
@Capt_Spanky’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it