Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
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I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
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Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.