I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
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Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
This has made my week.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber