“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
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Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.