wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
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I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.