a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
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Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
i’m still crying at this
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.