“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
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Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Labreador
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!