*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
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Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
i’m laughing very hard in real life
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Muppet Screams
The happy life.. 😊
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city