I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
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When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino