doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
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Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.