“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
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Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.