If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
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When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
then why did i get this email
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
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Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.