I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
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5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry