Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
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If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?