[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
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When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
Am I having a stroke?
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?