I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
You Might Also Like
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien