Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
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Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.