How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
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Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
You can鈥檛 hurt me. You aren鈥檛 an empty bag of Reese鈥檚.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 馃ゴ
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he鈥檚 fleeing the scene of a crime
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Comment on your friend鈥檚 vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?