HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
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Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
💻🤡
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
this could fix me
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.