I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
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Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Warm pools make me nervous.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Money is the root of all wealth