Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
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I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I鈥檓 already there, pal.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that鈥檚 me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 馃槀馃槀馃槀
If you鈥檙e a parent don鈥檛 forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
figuring out my emotional availability:
My neighbor鈥檚 wife put him on a diet so I鈥檓 slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
My husband claims I鈥檓 driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I鈥檝e driven them to.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it鈥檚 half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.