Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
You Might Also Like
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.