I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
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professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
I’m going to need a moment here.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts