I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
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When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
my proudest tweet
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys