I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
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My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Intelligence is the new cleavage
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Brb my Sims are getting married
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
peak technology
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket