I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
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I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
Bootstraps
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?