[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
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texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.