The A string on my guit_r is flat
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They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Jogging
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.