My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
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[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.