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me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
it was a valiant fight
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK