[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
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You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
What about a To-Don’t List?
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break