Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
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Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector