Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
You Might Also Like
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made