Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
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I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???