Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
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dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
is this a threat
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.