My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
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I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Noah was an idiot.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.