I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
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When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
This probably isn’t good
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]