there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
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I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
accurate
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.