My dad teaching me to drive
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Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Ok, but like, how married are you?
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding